So I just realised that I had this blog; I’d forgotten about it.
I think that I should note that I discovered late December that I most likely have BPD. Yay? It’s encouraging and discouraging at the same time.
Right now, I’m mostly writing to keep a medication log. I’ve quit my meds. I was on Effexor and Lamictal, but my mom wouldn’t pay my doctor’s bill, so I never even bothered to call back. If they didn’t call me, I just assumed I couldn’t go back due to the bill. It turns out, after I realise I barely have enough left to wean myself off and have already started the process, that my mom DID pay the bill eventually. I haven’t had a chance to call my doctor and get anything worked out yet though. I actually wanted to see how I could do without meds.
Well, here’s what’s happening…
I avoided most of the extreme symptoms of nausea, light-headed, dizzy, s;fjlakscjlke that I get if I forget my Effexor for a few days (man, that’s tough to get through). Then I realised.. oh… my insomnia is because Effexor is used to treat insomnia. I was dependent on it for sleep even though sleep isn’t the reason I was taking it. But my stress levels have gone through the roof.
I assumed it was because I wasn’t sleeping… but I don’t think that’s it.
While it’s the invisible drug in the background – no side effects, no withdrawal, and no noticable effect – the power of Lamictal can be seen when I stop taking it. I fall to pieces.
It’s the dependency that scares me… on things BEYOND emotions, such as sleep. that make me really afraid to continue these drugs. But lamictal does no damage. I can only see ONE effect when I quit: I behave in the same way I was trying to avoid. No throwing up. No seizures (which I was terrified might happen), nothing. It’s almost magical.
I got back on the Lamictal after much self-battling. I realised that things seemed the most normal when i was on it. I never noted any differences. Things were too ordinary. But they were ORDINARY. I quit, and they weren’t. So I got back on it.
These past few weeks have been fantastic. Something I couldn’t identify was making everything go wrong this past week. The insomnia, the stress, etc… but WHY? WHY was I falling to pieces? Yelling, hating, cutting, dying?
I think it might be the Lamictal. I think it’s what makes my life so ordinary that I forget everything. I forget I’m even taking drugs. I got off them because they “weren’t doing anything,” but it’s like makeup or a good light technician. If they’re doing their job, you’re not going to think they’re doing anything. You’re not going to notice they’re there. And I believe that this is exactly how it is for lamictal